fucking emotional conflict

anger and sadness.. i just realised they don't go very well together..

this is my typical day now.. wake up..spend most of the time out with my friends or working with my friends.. happy!! then i go home.. try to sleep.. even if i'm fucking tired i can't.. for once.. i can't sleep even though i'm tired.. until i cry myself to sleep.. ok.. thats the sadness part..

then i get fucking pissed.. with myself.. why should i even feel sad? pissed with her.. for everything that has happened and for not caring.. enough.. and THEN.. bloody pissed with myself again!! 'coz why should i care whether she cares?! and pissed 'coz i should be happy not sad.. i should actually be H.A.P.P.Y!!!! 'coz this is what is RIGHT..

fuck! i hate this whole emotional rollar coaster.. and thats not the worst part.. the worst part is i went through all this just like a few bloody months back and i nearly GOT OVER IT!!! i knew i shouldn't have done it.. that's why i'm forcing myself not to do the 'wrong' thing again.. but it just feels much worst this time..

i can feel it overwhelming me.. the urge to just pick up the phone and dial.. THATS the sadness part.. but luckily.. i guess i'm more of an angry/stubborn person.. that's just what's pushing me to move on.. move on..

so what am i doing now? i'm forcing myself to focus on the anger while trying to hold back my tears..

i feel much stronger when i'm angry.. being sad is like a weakness to me.. it hurts much more than anger.. i hate it...

i have to get out more.. i have to occupy myself.. i just have to get over this!!!! i cannot stand being like this anymore.. it's madness..

anyway.. sorry if this whole damn entry is not logical.. i promise the next one will be better.. i don't wanna be weak..

it's the 27th today

I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel light when you're gone away



everything else that should be in this entry is in my personal diary. =(

my longest job ever

The place was full of Japanese and Korean people shouting here and there. Sounded alot like a pasar malam really. It was crowded and chaotic with sales people just trying to 'grab' whatever sales they could make. There was a sound of a bottle being dropped and broken and I overheard a lady telling her young daughter," You see darling, people break things here. Please be careful." I dunno why but for some reason I thought the way she said it was very funny. I followed a customer round and round even though he totally ignored me when I asked if he needed any help(fucker!). Then I see my colleague talking to a very kan chiong jap guy who's almost shouting at her, she kept frowning 'coz she didn't know how to communicate with him and she ended up just saying," chotomate, chotomate!!" over and over again..

Haiz. My job. To love it or hate it? Seriously lahz, sometimes I really feel like I'm working in a market instead of a perfume shop. I really dunno whether to quit anot lehz.. So I decided to do what I always do when I'm faced with a dilemma.. make a list of advantages and disadvantages.. here it is..

Things I hate about my job

1. I have to clean every fucking day!!! And I totally hate cleaning.. ruins my delicate hands.. hah!

2. Irritating customers who come in, spray tons of perfume and then say," I can't decide which one I want." and walk off. *rolls eyes*

3. The morning shift kinda sucks.. it starts at 6am.. and I usually can't sleep before 1am..

4. Stupid customers who think EVERYTHING revolves around their country. "excuse me, is this in [insert their country name] dollars??" yeah yeah.. The bloody big S in front of the $ sign is just there for fun.. And seriously.. Which perfume would ever cost 68 RMB?!!!

5. The target keeps going higher.. makes us more stressed!!=(

6. China customers who talk in that extremely cheena accent that really gives me goosebumps. Seriously, by the time I'm done talking to them I'm so exhausted from speaking so much chinese at one go..

7. 2 fucked up supervisors who keep picking on me!! Ok lah, make that one plus one newbie sup who probably just agrees with everything the other one says to curry favour or something.. irritating!!

8. Customers who come in, ask for a particular item and then tell me they already bought it at MUSTAFA or some other cheap skate place for a much cheaper price.. knn.. buy already still come and ask for what?! Ok, the list about irritating and fucked up customers just go on and on.. I think if I continue I don't need to sleep already. Customers asking for lux soap, shampoo, hair gel, packet tissues.. all in the irritating customers category. Customers who think they are so bloody rich but still haggle for free gifts, customers who say they are going to buy 'ALOT' but end up buying one mascara, customers who ignore me, customers who ask for samples without even buying anything.. all in the fucked up category. And there's more.. another time then tell u all..

9. The small stuff like packing stock nearly every alternate day, doing price change every month, making us have 'dinner' at 4pm, cutting our ot pay..

10. My uniform is fucking ugly.

Things I love about my job

1. I love my colleagues!! Ok, most of them. At least the ones who are not back-stabbing, customer grabbing bitches. =))

2. I have 2 days off a week!! Even better then an office job!! Plus I hate office jobs.

3. I have one supervisor that I totally love.. she's so nice to me.. >_<

4. I get freebies all the time!!! Go training, get free stuff.. hit target, get free stuff.. special occasions, get free stuff.. plus with my beauty allowance I have a whole lifetime worth of perfumes, skincare and cosmetic. Now.. if only they don't expire..

5. My break is one hour and there is mtv to watch, computers to use(although actually it is only for passengers =x ), cheap canteen food and a great view of the aeroplanes.. but I see until sianz already.. only makes me feel like going overseas!!

6. I kinda like having some kinda target to work towards. I guess that's what keeps me motivated. Although they don't have to make it so high and make people over motivated until everyone becomes back-stabbing and customer grabbing.

7. Job satisfaction. Not all customers are bad.. the nice ones make us feel really happy and satisfied..

8. The pay is enough to support my luxurious lifestyle.. hehe..

So.. I guess the bad points seem more but the freebies can count for 5 points!!haha.. Anyway, I really dunno whether I should quit.. any suggestions? After next month I'd have been working there for one year!! So excited.. 'coz I never stayed at any job for one year before..

Haiz. I guess I have alot of thinking to do about my life.

so near and yet so far

i finally truly understand the meaning of these words.

should I just eat my words?

Went to Phuture with Jace yesterday.. saw Charm on the way in and met Xiao Huang and her friend inside.. bumped into Pearlyn and her boyfriend inside too.. lolz.. It was damn crowded as usual so Xiao Huang wasn't very happy then she went to join her friends over at Zouk. What's with the guys at Phuture ah?? Seriously lah.. some of them are damn fucked up. Always anyhow touch touch touch.. don't they know its bad manners to try grinding someone when you BARELY KNOW THEM? Argh! That's why I prefer Rush.. plus of 'coz techno rules!! After that we went to the Lido Mac to just sit down, eat and play cards. Went back at 6 am plus..

Jace stayed over at my house then today we went to the new Cathay cinema to watch The Art Of Seduction. Eh.. actually it's old cinema turned new.. Anyway, I was so excited lor!! And it definitely lived up to my expectations.. The cinema actually looks alot like Cine but the shops they are gonna open there all sounds very nice!! Got the Shihlin Street Snacks, Ben and Jerry's, Adidas and alot of others that I can't remember but I know it's mostly FOOD!! That's why I'm so happy.. haha..

Actually in the theatre I was telling Jace it's so scary the place was actually vacant for one period of time then like so abandoned and everything.. dunno how come Cathay kept it for all these years.. Then we just came to the conclusion that they probably closed it down since it wasn't making money and was waiting for Cine to bring in the money so that they could reopen the old one. But still.. just thinking of the old one.. Freaky.. =X

Then we rushed to catch the last bus 'coz the show finished around 11.45pm so actually we only went town for awhile 'coz we reached there around 8.45pm.. When I reached home.. Hmm..

It's been a long time since I last cried. Somemore out of the blue.. Actually I can't even remember when was the last time but probably when I was watched A Season For Love.. Haiz.. For the past 2 weeks I actually felt like I'm not even attached, maybe 'coz I'm so used to doing so many things with her. Just when I thought I was getting used to that feeling, emotions have to come flooding through me.. argh..this is so irritating!! I hate this stupid nagging feeling I have that something's wrong but I just can't put my finger on it.. What do I really want? Can't be that I myself dunno what I want right?

I guess I should be happy 'coz all this is probably leading to what is right, what is good. But it doesn't feel right and definitely doesn't feel good for me!!! I fucking hate this feeling lor.. maybe 'coz I haven't felt it for too long.. unhappiness and anger and frustration.. I really dunno what to do.. =(

I guess I just have to find out one thing first.

Private and Confidential

What the hell.

I was sitting at my comp waiting for some photo editing program to download(yes.. I wanna be like all those 'creative' people from friendster and learn how to make my photos nicer) when my dad came home with the papers which I decided to read while waiting..

JC STUDENT KILLS HIMSELF, CONVINCED HIS PRIVATE PARTS WERE TOO SMALL

Like I said, what the hell!!! Seriously, are the people nowadays getting more stupid or what(No disrespect to the dead)??! Argh.. to take your own life just because you think that your dick is too small??!!! I mean like, come on.. I think my boobs are kinda small but you don't see me fretting over it(other than the occasional whining) do you?

Anyway, out of point.. the point is.. look at the headline again.. They totally pushed the fact that he is a JC student! In fact, I think he is from TJC, 'coz they kept mentioning Bedok Bedok Bedok and I think that's the only JC around here lor.. So! What's with the JC thing? I guess they are trying to imply like.. 'Wah.. JC.. So smart and yet so dumb..' So.. I guess the thing now is, students from JC are self-conscious while poly students are not.. After all, how we can forget about Tammy from NYP and the famous sex scandal??

Which I would like my two cents' worth on by the way.. I definitely do not think what she did was smart at all. Please.. using your handphone to film yourself having sex.. that's like dying to get into trouble. Using your handphone to film yourself having sex and not deleting it?? Definitely going to get into trouble.. especially given the fact that she had a lot of enemies..

Please girls.. DON'T be stupid. If anything happens the girl gets all the flak while the guy gets away scot-free. So the next time you get tempted to whip out the handphone while doing the dirty deed, be it whether you're a poly/JC student or not a student, please please think twice.. thrice.. or however many times it takes for you not to do it..

What was I talking about again? Oh yah.. the JC student and his dick. May they rest in peace. Seriously.

how to ruin your mouth and face

1. Do not sleep.
I went out to watch movie with Irene and Sherlyn on Fri night and then went with Elaine, Jeff, Kenny and Alvin to eat.. and then.. I went straight to work for my 3 hours OT!!

2.Eat chocolates.
Boost to be exact.. the most 'heaty' chocolate in the world.. I ate that straight after my OT on the way home..

3.Go clubbing.
Clubbing = Drinking + Smoking + Passive smoking + All the fake smoke they blow around in clubs everytime. But I totally enjoyed Rush on Sat despite the consequences.. soooo fun!! Didn't go for like ages lor.. I think 2 weeks? Hehe.. danced like a mad woman..

4.Eat more chocolates.
Sunday was Easter.. so of 'coz.. there were lotsa Easter eggs.. which are all CHOCOLATES!! I ate like 3 different kinds lor!!

And now I'm totally paying for all that.. got ulcers and alot of pimples liao!! From tomorrow onwards I shall not eat heaty stuff till I recover!!=P

Anyway, so much other stuff happened I dunno where to start.. but since Jace gave her consent to let me tell all.. to make a long story short.. Phil was kinda seeing another girl while seeing her.. Phil lied to both of them.. Phil denied everything.. Phil was exposed 'coz everybody had proof.. Phil continued lying.. so basically.. i guess by now everybody knows Phil is a fucking bastard liar and two-faced person..

For the record though.. Jace is alright.. she was just waiting for the correct moment to break up but couldn't bring herself to do it.. I guess now she feels indifference.. which is good.. 'coz that is the opposite of love..

On a totally different note.. my whole week was basically like crap and now i feel even more pissed and crappy.. Whatever.. Gotta go sleep..

be good on Good Friday

actually i wanted to post this much earlier but was doing some stuff. yes yes today is Good Friday.. everybody is happy, mainly because.. it's a public holiday!!yay.. can enjoy and relax and do all the stuff you enjoy.. right?? some people don't even know how this day came about or what actually happened today..

hmm.. most of you watched The Passion of the Christ right? and i bet most you cried too. but once everyone walks out of the cinema, the image is forgotten.. even for me. that's why we need this day to remind us..

how he died for us..

yes.. today is the day the passion of the christ happened.. so how about doing something nice for someone? or maybe just take what's left of the day to appreciate your life.. it's the simple things that actually mean alot sometimes.. like.. having the use of your hands and legs and all five senses, each breath that you take, not being poor(poor meaning you only have ONE pair of shoes, not meaning you have no money to buy a laptop), having some kind of education, living in a country without war and having people who love you.. just think of all these little things and try not complaining for today.. and also, try not to lie, steal, cheat or rob a bank today k?

i wanted to blog alot more about that but wait you all complain say i too preachy.. =X so anyway.. on a not-so-preachy note.. i'm still using the slimming gel!! i'm so smart lor i found a foolproof way to use it!! i used my face mask brush to apply it.. lolz.. but feels abit like i'm marinating a chicken lahz.. like, i'm using the slimming gel to marinate myself.. -_-"

ok, now have to go clean my ultra messy room.. =(

girls and guys and girls

Why do some people just refuse to let go of someone when that person is in actual fact already long gone?
Why do some keep going back for more even after getting hurt time and again?(obviously not sticking by the 'once bitten, twice shy' rule)
Why do some girls keep defending their 'bfs' even though they know deep down that there's nothing to defend?!!

It really irritates the hell out of me you know!! Are today's girls really so weak and lonely that this is what they've become? At least THREE of my girl friends let their 'bfs' have their way everytime.. and they claim it's because of 'love'.. can you all please wake up anot?!!! Why would you wanna love a guy who uses you and manipulates you and only calls you when he feels like it??(And most of the times when he feels like it means he feels like it)There's a thin line between love and stupidity for goodness' sake!

Why do you wanna cling onto him?
Why do you wanna surprise him on his birthday knowing he won't appreciate it?
Why do you wanna feel upset that he doesn't message you?(you should be used to it by now)
Why do you wanna bake brownies for him?
Why do you wanna let yourself be a sex slave?
Why do you even consider him your 'BF' when you only meet twice a week to do it and he doesn't even bother to message you at least once a day??
Why why why???!!

Some people might say i'm no better off 'coz i'm not even with a guy.. but look at the state of guys nowadays!!Before all this happened I was already quite convinced that the guys nowadays are just crap.. and now.. voila!What more proof do i need? Of 'coz, I don't mean every single guy out there is bad.. but just looking at my friends miserable states.. I'd think the statistics should be around 75%(and i'm already being very nice)?

You say you love him.. yes, i know love is blind.. but it's not deaf and dumb(in both ways) too!! How many times must he hurt you before you'll let go? How many times does it take for you to get tired? The way i see it, the sooner it ends.. the better.. for all of you(you know who you are).. If you don't agree.. then.. too bad.. it's my blog anyway.. haha!

Of 'coz for all my friends who are in happy relationships.. congrats!!You found the 25% of guys who are nice.. As for me.. give me a girl anytime.. (hehe.. not just ANY girl of 'coz.. the one who cares for me and cooks for me and gives me warmth and makes me smile and sayangs me and says i'm pretty even when i look sibei ugly and just.. loves me for me.. my baby..)

P.S. Can you all tell my spelling and punctuation is now 99% correct already??? I'm on my way to being Singapore's top journalist!! hee..

irene's chalet

juz came back from parkway with jace..it was our 7th!!lolz..last time we used to have this 'tradition' that every 7th of the month we would go somewhere nice to eat. after awhile we both got too busy and gradually stopped but now trying to do it again!!

we went to jack's place 'coz she HAS NEVER BEEN THERE B4!!can you believe it?like everyone..EVERYONE i know has eaten at jack's place b4 lor, even my most sua ku friends(dun dare to mention names =X)!!hehe..anyway it was good..but we mostly talked about you-know-who and i wish i could say it spoilt my appetite but it didn't..haha..anyway..now about irene's birthday!!

on wed afternoon we went over to her house to help her out with all the preparations and it was the first time i saw her house!damn i should have taken some photos of her room..it was like some jolin cai shrine lor!!posters of her all over..*pengz*lucky i don't mind her..actually i even kinda like her also lahz..

so..her dad sent us over to the chalet..and..it's the first time in many many years that i sat on a lorry!!i think the first time was when i was around 5(?) and my uncle tompang our stuff when we moved house..

sherlyn and me and i really dunno whose hand that is!! hopefully it's just the person who sat next to me..=X

anyway..so we reached the coasta sands resort around 3 plus then i realised i forgot to bring a perfume which i was supposed to pass to another friend..kaoz..i was like damn forgetful that day lor..i ALSO forgot to bring the present and when i went all the way back home to get the stuff i forgot..i freaking left my hp at home!!!!at the rate i'm going i'm afraid by the end of the year i'll forget my name!!*argh*not only that..the next day i forgot to bring my wallet to work also lor!!>_<

anyway..back to the chalet..the VIP of the night was not the birthday girl herself but someone else..

FIFI!!!!!!!!!!!

yes..a dog. not just any dog of 'coz..it's a gay dog!!!lolz..it's a guy and the owner ms jasmine huang(the ultra thin girl with curls) named it FIFI!!!hahaha..but isn't she..oops..i mean he..sooooo adorable??!!!its the first time i actually really held a doggie!!just that few hours made me feel like getting one too!

but of 'coz..most of my time spent there was playing mahjong..after all..it has been quite awhile since i played..plus i was kinda forced to play..=x the people playing were all lao jiaos and they were playing 50 cent/1 dollar lor!!so i kinda DIDN"T wanna play..until irene had to go entertain her guests and i was left with no choice but to face the other 3 on my own 'coz no one else dared to!!

well..in the first round..i lost $200!!but luckily irene was nice enough to play the 2nd round and cover for me so total i lost was about $100..then again..i guess its only right that she help me since she was the one who asked me to play in the first place..*bleahz*

anyway..talking about money lost kinda makes me sad and cranky..so on a happier note, here's her birthday pic taken with me!!now those of you who are not my colleagues can see what the birthday girl looks like..btw..she is one of my closest colleagues..=)

after everyone left, grace irene and me had a mini feast pigging out!!actually..the poor birthday girl bbq-ed while we 2 pigs ate..=x sorry irene!!

aww..she looks so pitiful..haha..anyway just look at all the food!!like that how to lose weight?!!!*sighz*ok..then around an hour after we ate grace went home and i stayed with her till around 3pm?overall..it was fun even though i lost money..'coz when you have good food and great company..nothing can get you down!!haha..=x

and lastly to my darling baby..you will make the headlines sooner or later either when you make me very happy or very angry..hope its the former k?lolz..IMU!;)

hot stuff

ok..enough is enough..i'm sitting here now feeling like i've juz been scalded or worse..n all for the sake of vanity!!

around one hr ago i applied my red hot slimming chilli gel which i bought frm SaSa, and up till now its STILL BURNING!!!i cannot take it anymore lahz!!one hr already lehz!!ya, you'd tink that i would have been cautious enough given the name plus the extra warning which read CAUTION:EXTRA HOT!! but no..i juz tot like..how bad can it be..coz i tried it b4..but now i realised my mistake!!when i tried it i put a bit on one arm n now i put a whole lot on my tummy, thighs and arms!!!!*sobz*

actually last time when i worked at SaSa the customers already gave feed back that it was very burning but the idiot in me juz tot coz they were weak n I AM NOT!!!n now..i'm suffering for it..

n that's not the worst part lor!!haiz..i, being a multi-tasker, did one thing NO ONE should ever try to multi-task..after putting on the gel..i went to put on a face mask..n..within three minutes, my face felt like it was burning!!KNN!!somemore i alredi washed my hands lor!*weeps*

luckily after i put some ice n savlon on my face it didn't feel so hot alredi..if not i'll be crying now instead of blogging. i could have done the same thing for all the other parts lah but i'm juz too stubborn lahz..i dun believe i can't tahan this till the burning stops..=X

it actually feels like being on fire plus having your skin peeled off layer by layer plus having three tattoos done at once. but it's slightly better now alredi..n i still have one more whole tube!!*_*



that's my arm by the way..even though i like lobsters i dun wanna be one!!!lucky my face nv swell up if not i dunno how i'm going for irene's birthday chalet tml!!

i tink i'll still try to finish the 2 tubes though..=X