fucking emotional conflict

anger and sadness.. i just realised they don't go very well together..

this is my typical day now.. wake up..spend most of the time out with my friends or working with my friends.. happy!! then i go home.. try to sleep.. even if i'm fucking tired i can't.. for once.. i can't sleep even though i'm tired.. until i cry myself to sleep.. ok.. thats the sadness part..

then i get fucking pissed.. with myself.. why should i even feel sad? pissed with her.. for everything that has happened and for not caring.. enough.. and THEN.. bloody pissed with myself again!! 'coz why should i care whether she cares?! and pissed 'coz i should be happy not sad.. i should actually be H.A.P.P.Y!!!! 'coz this is what is RIGHT..

fuck! i hate this whole emotional rollar coaster.. and thats not the worst part.. the worst part is i went through all this just like a few bloody months back and i nearly GOT OVER IT!!! i knew i shouldn't have done it.. that's why i'm forcing myself not to do the 'wrong' thing again.. but it just feels much worst this time..

i can feel it overwhelming me.. the urge to just pick up the phone and dial.. THATS the sadness part.. but luckily.. i guess i'm more of an angry/stubborn person.. that's just what's pushing me to move on.. move on..

so what am i doing now? i'm forcing myself to focus on the anger while trying to hold back my tears..

i feel much stronger when i'm angry.. being sad is like a weakness to me.. it hurts much more than anger.. i hate it...

i have to get out more.. i have to occupy myself.. i just have to get over this!!!! i cannot stand being like this anymore.. it's madness..

anyway.. sorry if this whole damn entry is not logical.. i promise the next one will be better.. i don't wanna be weak..